


show me your love don't resign

by iwasfollowingyou



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alcohol, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Lots of kissing, M/M, because i'm gay and what i say goes, bisexual sam seaborn, but it actually is, gay josh lyman, once again sam and josh are idiots, smd aaron sorkin, technically not canon compliant, they're gay and in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 13:11:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17264795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwasfollowingyou/pseuds/iwasfollowingyou
Summary: He always circled back to Josh. His smile and voice and laugh and personality had invaded Sam’s psyche. He couldn’t go out on a date without comparing the person to Josh, and of course they never matched up. It was sad. Sam lived a sad, sad life.





	show me your love don't resign

“What are you doing tonight?”

Ainsley jerked her head up, the folder in her hands slipping out and falling onto the desk. Flustered, she gathered the papers back together. “Me?”

Sam looked around her office. “I don’t see anyone else here.”

“Uh, I don’t have any plans. Why?”

“The plans I did have fell through, but I still have a strong desire to get drunk.”

“Why not just get drunk by yourself?”

“Because that’s sad.”

“Sadder than asking the last person in the world you want to share a beer with just so you don’t have to drink alone?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Surprisingly, yes. But you’re not the last person in the world I want to share a beer with.” He offered a smile. “I’ll be ready to leave in about fifteen minutes if you want to meet me up in my office?”

“Sure, I suppose.”

He tapped his knuckles against the doorframe as he turned and left. Contrary to what most people assumed, he did actually like Ainsley. After getting over his initial shock, he had been impressed with her performance on _Capital Beat_. Not many people could go head-to-head with Sam and destroy him quite as well as she had. And she was nice and smart. The fact that she was Republican was a small flaw, but one he was willing to look past.

Unfortunately for him, he had to walk by Josh’s office on his way back to his own. The light was still on, the door slightly ajar. He wanted to stop and say goodbye, but didn’t think he could bring himself to do it without his voice breaking. Fucking Josh. Sam sighed and moved on. It was fine. He was fine.

“If you don’t mind my asking, what exactly were your original plans?” Ainsley asked as she buttoned her coat. Sam turned his office light off and closed the door behind them.

“Uh, I was supposed to go out for drinks with Josh and watch a hockey game. He had something come up, though.”

“Aw, that’s a shame. I like Josh.”

 _Yeah, me too_. “It’s okay. It happens. Plus, now I get to hang out with you. It’s my lucky day.” The fact that he was being absolutely genuine seemed to translate into his words, because she smiled and nudged his arm with her elbow.

Sam called a goodbye to Toby, and he and Ainsley walked out together. Sam didn’t want to go to the same bar he and Josh had planned to go to — that was _their_ spot, not Sam’s. He couldn’t remember that last time he had gone there without Josh. Even if he was pissed, he wasn’t about to start now. Instead, they went to a bar Sam didn’t know quite as well, but it seemed friendly and cozy enough. They settled across from each other in a booth and ordered their drinks, something fruity with vodka for Ainsley and a beer for Sam. He sipped it slowly, eyes scanning the televisions in the corners of the bar for anything interesting.

“I wouldn’t have pegged you as a cocktail girl,” Sam said casually.

“Why not?”

“You’re a southerner. Don’t you all drink whiskey and bourbon and stuff?”

“Don’t listen to all of the stereotypes you hear, Sam. I’ve heard many, many things about people from California. Do they all apply to you?”

“I see your point. Terribly sorry.” He smiled and raised his beer towards her. She laughed and clinked her glass against his. “To stereotypes.”

“Indeed.” She took a sip of her drink. They found several interesting topics of conversation; they had more in common than Sam would have thought. They both were from warm places and decided, for some reason, to go to colleges in the northeast. They were both enthralled by the world of politics. Though they didn’t agree on many issues, they had a lively debate that distracted Sam from his problems. He liked Ainsley. Who needed Josh, anyway? Certainly not Sam.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked, now five beers deep and working on his sixth.

“You just did,” she teased. “But you can ask me something else, yes.”

“You’re a Republican. Do you hate gay people?”

She set her glass down on the table and thought for a moment. “No, I don’t. I don’t agree with their lifestyle, but I don’t _hate_ them.”

Their _lifestyle_. Of course. He held back a sarcastic smile. “Do you think they should be allowed to serve in the military? Get married? Have kids?”

“I don’t see why they shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the military. It’s an honorable thing, to sign up to lay down your life for your country. I think if someone is willing to do it, it shouldn’t matter if they’re straight or gay. But I believe in the traditional definition of marriage, and families. You know, a mother, a father, and their children.”

Sam took another swig of beer. “You mean you believe in the Christian version of families. Not traditional. ‘Cause traditional can refer to anything, depending on who you’re talking to.”

“I guess so.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “But you don’t hate gay people.”

“No.”

Sam silently weighed the risks and benefits of his potential next step. Half of him wanted to tell Ainsley he was bisexual. He was drunk, and sad, and she was right there, and actually listening to him, and it would have been so easy to just admit it, flat out. He was tired of lying to everyone. Even Josh didn’t know, and it made Sam feel _weird_. He and Josh had never hidden anything from each other. It wasn’t how they worked. They knew they could trust each other with everything; they never would have gotten to where they were without that. Sam had known for years that he was bisexual, and still, no one knew but the few exes he had. Luckily, none of them had ended the relationship on bad terms, so he wasn’t at much of a risk of someone coming forward and outing him. Telling anyone, even Ainsley, would be a massive weight off of his shoulders. On the other hand, however, she had just outright stated that she didn’t believe gay people deserved equal rights. Didn’t hate them, of course, just _disagreed_. Sam almost wanted to laugh. He finished off his bottle of beer.

“Sam? Everything alright?”

He glanced up at her. She looked concerned. “Yeah, yeah. I’m great. I think I need another drink.”

“Hon, I think you’ve had enough,” Ainsley said gently. “Maybe we should get going.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah, fine.” He slid out of the booth and pulled his coat on, then got out his wallet and left more than enough to cover his drinks on the table. Ainsley smiled reassuringly at him. He wanted to tell her. Even if it made her hate him. He needed to tell someone.

He waited until their car pulled up outside his apartment building. “Do you want to come upstairs?”

Ainsley paused, taking a second to compose herself. “I’m flattered, Sam, I really am, but—”

“No, not — not like _that_.” Never like that. Ainsley was his friend. He didn’t want anything more than that, though he partly wished he did, just so he could shake off his stupid feelings. “I just don’t really want to be alone.”

“Okay.” She nodded and followed him up to his apartment. He turned the lights on and slid his shoes off by the door, then got a glass of water from the kitchen. There was already a headache forming behind his eyes, and he was exhausted. “Sam, are you okay?”

“No,” he admitted, leaning against the counter.

“I know we’re not that close, but if you want to talk about it, I’m all ears. I just don’t want to pry.”

He took a deep breath. “Ainsley, I’m bisexual.”

She looked taken aback at first, but quickly tried to calm her expression. “I apologize for what I said before…”

“No, no, it’s okay. You’re — you know, a Republican. It’s pretty much exactly what I expected.” He shrugged, struggling to remain nonchalant. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just really wanted to tell someone. And hey, I’m drunk, so why not?” Liquid courage, they called it. It made sense.

“Is that why you’ve been acting so oddly lately?”

“Kind of.” He walked towards the couch, and she followed. They each settled down on a cushion, a few feet of space in between them. Sam thought carefully about his words. Honestly, he didn’t know exactly what to say next. He had never done this before. For his first coming out experience, though, he supposed it went well. Well enough, at least.

Ainsley was still staring at him. He fidgeted with his watch.

“Do you like someone?”

Sam laughed softly. “I’m gonna need about six more beers to talk about _that_.”

“I could go for one. Do you have any?”

“In the fridge.” She got up and returned a moment later with an open beer in each hand. Sam took one and took a long drink. Ainsley sipped hers more delicately, tucking her legs underneath her and leaning back against the couch.

“Is it someone I know?” she prompted.

“Yes.”

“Male or female?”

“Male.”

She was quiet for a minute after that. Sam figured she was going through their list of mutual acquaintances, and wondered how long it would take for her to realize who exactly it was that Sam had feelings for. He still wasn’t nearly drunk enough for this. He didn’t know if it was possible to get drunk enough to talk about his feelings. If things went south, he supposed he was just drunk _enough_ to blame the whole thing on the alcohol. Ainsley had reacted decently, he thought; she hadn’t said anything hurtful or insensitive. She was doing remarkably well for a southern Republican. Then again, she had been working in the Bartlet White House for a few months. She had been exposed to many more liberal ideas than she was probably used to. Having a bisexual friend wasn’t the end of the world. He hoped.

“Josh.”

“Damnit.” He groaned and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

“Can I assume based on your reaction that I guessed correctly?”

“Yep.”

“Josh is nice. Usually. He wasn’t to me, at first, but he did congratulate me on kicking your ass. His words, not mine.”

“Yeah, highlight of his year, watching me fail miserably on live television. Humiliated by a young, blonde, Republican sex kitten.”

She smiled at that. “I’m flattered.”

“You don’t think I’m disgusting? A sinner, maybe?”

“Well, I think we’re all sinners. And I’m a little bit surprised, sure, but you’re my friend, Sam. I respect you as a person and colleague.”

“Thanks. It means a lot, you know.” He was impressed with how she was managing the whole thing. If someone like Ainsley could take this so well, maybe the others would, too.

“So, that’s why you’re sad and drunk tonight? Because of Josh?”

“Because Josh ditched me to go on a date.”

“I see.”

“You know, I probably could’ve been more properly sad if I was alone.” He could have finished off the bottle of tequila in the cabinet, empty the fridge of beers. Sam had been quite the expert drinker in college, and although he had lost some of that skill, when he really put his mind to it, he could knock back more alcohol than was necessarily healthy. Especially when he was drinking because of a specific someone.

“You invited me.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Anyway, yes, I’m sad and drunk and lonely because Josh cancelled our plans to go out on a date with some woman he met at a state dinner.” He didn’t know which part he was more upset about: Josh ditching him, or Josh ditching him to go out with someone. A female someone. But Josh was straight. Sam had always known that. He had absolutely zero chance with him, which made it even more painful. He had tried, desperately, to get over Josh. One night stands, a few week-long relationships, literally anything to get his mind off of Josh. It never worked. He always circled back to Josh. His smile and voice and laugh and personality had invaded Sam’s psyche. He couldn’t go out on a date without comparing the person to Josh, and of course they never matched up. It was sad. Sam lived a sad, sad life.

“Well, if you’ll pardon my language, I say fuck Josh.”

He turned his head towards her, blinking in surprise. “What?”

“Fuck Josh. I take back what I said about him being nice. He’s an asshole.”

Sam smiled sadly. “I appreciate the sentiment.”

“I’m serious. Friends don’t ditch friends for dates. It doesn’t matter whether you’re gay or straight, it’s rude.” She had a point. He lifted his head and tried to transition from being upset to being angry. Josh didn’t deserve the satisfaction of ruining Sam’s night. “Also, now that I’m starting to get used to the idea, I’m looking forward to being able to talk about guys with you. I don’t have that kind of relationship with any of the women in the office. I think they still don’t like me that much.”

“No, they don’t.” Hey, alcohol made him honest. “Donna likes you a _bit_. But she isn’t nearly as biased against Republicans as most of us are.”

“I’m the enemy, I get it.”

“Not mine.” He smiled, genuinely this time, and she returned it. “Thanks for taking care of me tonight. I know I’m not the most fun drunk to deal with.”

“You were perfectly fine. You wanna bitch about Josh some more? I have nothing else to do tonight.”

“Kind of.”

“Let it out, sweetheart.”

“It was a dick move. We were planning this night out for a week. It’s our _thing_ , you know? Going out for drinks and watching sports. We’re guys. It’s how we unwind after work. We don’t even get to do it that often, which makes it even more special. To me, at least.” He sighed. “So yeah, dick move. Fuck Josh.” His phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket. “Shit.”

Ainsley glanced over at it. “Don’t answer.”

Sam chewed his bottom lip. Against all better judgment, including Ainsley’s, he opened his phone and held it up to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hey!” Josh’s voice was bright on the other end. Sam wanted to strangle him. “Any chance you’re still up for drinks? I know it’s kind of late, but I could use a beer.”

“No, not really. I’ve already had several.”

“By yourself?”

“No. I’m hanging out with my good friend Ainsley.”

“Ainsley? You replaced me with _Ainsley_?”

“You’re one to talk,” he scoffed. “You replaced me with a _date_! I wasn’t cancelling my entire night for your convenience, Josh. I know it’s hard to believe, but my world doesn’t revolve around you.”

Josh sounded hurt when he spoke again. “I didn’t think it did. I just thought, you know, since we had plans before…”

“Plans which _you_ cancelled. Or did you forget about that part?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure. Goodnight, Josh.” He snapped the phone shut and dropped it onto the couch next to him.

Ainsley hit his shoulder lightly, grinning. “Look at you! Take no shit, Sam.”

Sam shook his head. For some reason, he didn’t feel any better now than he had before. Telling Josh off had made him feel powerful, until the second he hung up the phone, and now he just wanted to call him back and apologize even if nothing was his fault. He hated making Josh upset. He hated when they fought. He hated feeling like he had messed something up and Josh was never going to forgive him. Warm tears were pooling in the corners of his eyes. He sniffed and wiped the ones that fell off of his cheeks.

“Oh, Sam.” Ainsley wrapped her arms around him, and he leaned into her, head against her shoulder. She was surprisingly strong for such a small person.

“I think I should just go to bed,” he said softly. “Can you get home okay?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry this turned out this way.”

“Nothing you could’ve done. Sorry you had to deal with me.”

“It’s what friends do. Call me in the morning?”

He nodded. “Goodnight, Ainsley.” She gently squeezed him before getting up off the couch and gathering her things. Then she was gone, and his apartment was large and cold and empty. He slowly forced himself to move, picking up their beer bottles and leaving them on the kitchen counter next to the sink. He walked to the bathroom and stripped off his shirt, then took a moment and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit. Messy hair, bags under his eyes, cheeks red from alcohol and crying. _Fuck Josh_.

The water burned his skin, but he barely felt it. His stomach was churning, and he was trying not to throw up, but lost the battle. He crouched down in shower, letting the water wash over him until he didn’t feel quite so disgusting. Towel, bedroom, boxers and a t-shirt. The routine was automatic, muscle memory guiding his actions as his mind wandered. Eventually he turned the light off and slid into bed, wrapping his arms around his spare pillow and hugging it close to his chest. _Fuck Josh_.

Except he couldn’t force himself to be angry anymore. He knew he should have been; Josh had been in the wrong the entire time. But he wasn’t. He just wanted Josh there with him, to run his fingers through Sam’s hair and tell him that it was going to be okay, like he had the night Sam’s father had admitted his affair. Like the night Sam had returned from New York, when he refused to talk about what happened but gratefully accepted Josh’s arms around him. Like the countless times during the campaign and beyond when Sam had thought he was going to go insane, when he was seconds away from throwing it all in the garbage and quitting, when Josh would show up unannounced and uninvited, like he had sensed exactly what Sam needed, with drinks and movies and jokes. Sam needed to hear Josh’s voice, to feel his familiar presence, so he could close his eyes and pretend that everything was alright. So he could pretend like he wasn’t in love with his best friend. So he could pretend that he wasn’t at risk of ruining their friendship every time they were alone together. It was too much to hold onto. He sobbed into the pillow, shoulders shaking, and fought back the thoughts of Josh until he finally passed out.

**********

Sam woke up with a headache, a dry mouth, and a thousand tons of regret. He squinted in the bright light that was coming in through his window; he had only half-closed the curtains before going to sleep and was paying for it now. The clock on his bedside table told him it was twelve minutes past eleven. He groaned and shoved his face into his pillow. He was desperate for painkillers but had no motivation to drag himself out of bed to go get them. _Life is suffering_ , he thought, followed by a _What the **fuck** , Sam_. Eventually he managed to get himself up and retrieved ibuprofen and water from the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror, and realized he looked even shittier than he had before going to sleep. It was going to be a wonderful day.

He couldn’t bring himself to shower or get dressed, so he instead crawled back into bed and tried to fall back asleep. It worked, kind of. He spent the next hour or so drifting in and out of consciousness. In one of the strange in between moments, when he was aware of his surroundings but still mostly asleep, he distantly heard the doorbell go off. At first, he thought it might be Ainsley, but quickly dismissed it. She had told him to call her when he woke up, and he hadn’t yet, so unless she was worried he had died, she probably wasn’t at his door. He tried to ignore the buzzing, but when it rang again, he had no choice but to get up and walk to the door. He pressed the button on the intercom.

“Who is it?” he asked groggily, and was surprised by the roughness of his own voice.

“Me.”

“Josh.” He rested his forehead against the wall.

“Yeah. Can I come up, please?”

“I don’t think you should.”

“Please?”

Sam groaned. “Fine.” He pushed the button to unlock the door, then went back to his room to try to get even semi-presentable before Josh made it upstairs. He pulled on a pair of sweats and changed his shirt, along with reapplying some deodorant. It was clear that there was no hope for his hair, but he quickly brushed his teeth. As he spat into the sink, there was a knock on the front door. He sighed and wiped his mouth on a towel, taking the few seconds it took to walk from the bathroom to the door to gather his courage to face Josh.

He looked unfairly handsome and soft, wearing a pair of jeans and a plain black sweatshirt over a white t-shirt. The bags under his eyes were slightly more noticeable than usual. His hands were shoved into his pockets, and he chewed on his bottom lip nervously.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Sam opened the door wider. “Come in.” He tried not to look too long, turning on his heel and walking into the kitchen. He started making a pot of coffee. Anything to keep him occupied. Plus, he desperately needed caffeine. Josh stood over by the doorway. For the first time, he seemed unsure of himself in Sam’s presence. Sam understood the feeling.

“I guess I should apologize.”

Sam still wouldn’t look at him. “Me, too.”

“I’m sorry I ditched you.”

“I’m sorry I acted like a dick.”

“To be fair, it was justified. I completely deserved it.” He leapt forward to grab a mug that was falling out of the cabinet, half a second before it would have shattered on the counter. Sam swallowed and thanked him quietly, taking the mug out of Josh’s hand. “If it makes you feel any better, the date went terribly.”

He didn’t want to admit it, but it did make him feel a _tiny_ bit better. “I got drunk with Ainsley. Well, I got drunk. She dealt with my drunk ass.”

“I thought I was the only one who could handle drunk Sam.” He smiled, and Sam tried his best not to stare. Stupid fucking cute Josh. Stupid dimples.

“She did remarkably well.” Now the coffee was brewing, and he had nothing to do, no justification for not giving Josh his full attention. He braced himself and turned towards Josh. “Although she did supply me with another beer after I got home, which is always a mistake.”

“How many beers did you have?”

“Six at the bar, one here.”

“Damn, Seaborn. You party hard.”

 _Yeah, and it’s your fault_. He crossed his arms over his chest. He felt incredibly vulnerable, standing there looking like a hungover mess (which he was), two feet away from Josh, who had almost caused him to have a full-on breakdown the night before. It wasn’t the ideal situation. It wasn’t fair that less than twelve hours after he had fallen asleep crying over this guy, he was ready to forgive him completely and let everything return to normal. Except it couldn’t return to normal. He had come out to someone, a friend, which he had never done before, and admitted his feelings for Josh, which he had never done out loud. Even if Josh didn’t know about it, it still felt to Sam like something had changed. He didn’t know how to act around Josh anymore, and he hated it. They weren’t supposed to be like this. He had messed everything up.

“Sam?” Josh’s voice was gentle. “I really am sorry. It was a dick move. I shouldn’t have bailed on you like that, and I promise I’ll make it up. Next time we go out, all drinks on me. And I won’t accuse you of cheating when you beat me at pool.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“So you had a good time with Ainsley? Do I have competition for the best friend position now?”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll update my résumé.” A brief pause. “She’s a Republican.”

“So? She’s nice. I like her.”

“I’m just saying. You two are kind of an unlikely pairing, aren’t you?”

“I guess.”

“You’re still mad.”

He breathed in and out deeply. “I don’t know, Josh. I’m upset. I’m disappointed. I don’t know. It’s kind of weird up in here right now.” He tapped his forehead, wishing that somehow he could shake his thoughts and feelings into understandable places. Josh was quiet. Sam didn’t know what else to say. He wanted to admit everything, let it all come tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop it. _I’m bisexual and I’m messing up everything by having feelings for you please don’t hate me and decide to never speak to me again because I don’t think I could handle it_. He looked up to meet Josh’s eyes. He was concerned, Sam could tell. Sam sometimes thought he and Josh could read each other’s minds. He really hoped Josh couldn’t read his right now. Except that might have made things easier. Then he wouldn’t have to say anything out loud. If he didn’t say it out loud, he could ignore it. He could pretend it wasn’t happening.

They stayed quiet until the coffee was done brewing. Sam poured himself a cup and sat down at the table. Josh got a mug from the cabinet and filled it, then sat across from Sam. Still no words were exchanged. Sam blew lightly over his coffee before taking a sip. He made a face; he didn’t even like black coffee. Josh got up and walked to the fridge, pulling out a gallon of milk, then grabbed the sugar from the pantry and set both down in front of Sam. Sam couldn’t help but smile then, and Josh returned it immediately. For that brief moment, it seemed like everything was going to be okay between them.

“Sam?” He hummed in acknowledgement, adding a splash of milk to his mug. “Is there anything I can do? You know, to make you not hate me anymore?”

He sighed. “I don’t hate you, Josh. I could never hate you. It’s kind of inconvenient.”

“Is it my natural charm and wonderful personality?”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Sure, we’ll go with that.”

“Want to watch something?”

“Is there anything on TV at one pm on a Saturday?”

“Probably not, but it’s worth a shot, right?” Sam shrugged and they both got up and moved onto the couch. Josh took control of the remote, flicking through channels until he determined that there was, in fact, nothing to watch, and left it on some daytime talk show where they were discussing a miracle wrinkle-erasing cream.

Sam sipped his coffee as his thoughts began to wander again. He wanted it all to be normal. Josh was acting like everything was okay. Sam could fake it, maybe, but eventually he just wasn’t going to be able to do it anymore. It was stupid, but he didn’t know if he was ever going to be able to get over his feelings for Josh. What would happen when Josh met a nice girl and decided to finally settle down? Sam didn’t know if he could handle it. He wanted Josh to be happy, but he wasn’t ready to accept that Josh was going to be able to be happy without him. Because Sam was never going to be able to be happy without Josh. There was something deeper there, something besides a strong bond between friends. He didn’t know what it was. He wasn’t going to _talk_ about it, that was for sure. Josh was straight. He was straight, and even if he wasn’t, there would be no reason that he would return Sam’s feelings. Sam was a bad cliché. Who actually fell for their best friend? That wasn’t something that actually happened, not to people like him. It was a stupid movie trope, a fantasy. Sam’s life could never be that convenient.

“You’ve got your thinking face on,” Josh remarked.

“Hm?”

“You’re thinking about something.”

“Yeah.”

“What?”

“I…” He took a breath. “Last night I told Ainsley something, and I don’t know if it was the best idea, but she’s the only person who knows and it feels weird that I haven’t talked to you about it.”

Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine.”

“But I do, that’s the problem.”

“Did you kill someone?”

He laughed softly. “No.”

“Is it going to get you arrested?”

“No.”

“Is it a national secret?”

“Also no.”

“So then why is it a problem?”

“It’s not, not really. I just… I don’t know.” He shook his head and set his mug down on the coffee table. It was now or never. Why not, right? “Josh, I’m bisexual.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so if you — wait, what?”

“I know,” Josh repeated, a light smile on his lips.

Sam sputtered for a second. “How?”

“Sam, I’ve known you for more than a decade. You think I didn’t know?” He shook his head. “I kind of guessed it a long time ago. I just didn’t want to bring it up, you know, in case you didn’t want to talk about it.” 

“How did you… so you’re okay with it?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know.”

“It seems like you don’t know a lot of things today.”

He nodded. “You’ve got that right.” So, Josh knew. He had known. Sam didn’t really understand how, but he guessed there had been _hints_ , tiny things that only Josh could have possibly picked up on. And Josh was okay with it. It felt like half the weight he had been carrying on his shoulders had been lifted.

Josh shifted closer to him. “Is it weird if I hug you?” Sam smiled and shook his head, so Josh set down his mug before wrapping his arms tightly around him. Sam let himself relax against Josh, slipping his arms around his waist and resting his head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry. Again. I fucked up big time last night, and I promise it will never happen again.”

“Thank you.” He tried to pull away, but Josh held on tightly. Sam looked at him, confused. Their faces were too close together, and his heartbeat sped up. Josh was staring at him, but Sam couldn’t read his expression. “Josh?”

“Sorry.” He let Sam go and ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He cleared his throat. “So, uh. Your date?”

Josh laughed. “Oh God, don’t remind me.”

“It was that bad?”

“Yeah. I was ready to sneak out through the bathroom window after about ten minutes. Figure it must be karma. That’s what I get for ditching you and alcohol to attempt a date. Did you know that I’m _really_ bad at dating?”

“That makes two of us.”

“Maybe I should just give up on love. Die old and alone. I’ll be the grumpy old man at the end of the street that never comes outside and all of the kids are terrified of. I think I could fill that role very well. Get a cat, maybe.” He smiled. “Love is a myth, Samuel. A myth perpetuated by the media to trick us all into spending money on each other and wasting our time trying to impress other people.”

“Damn, that’s deep. And depressing.”

“I’m nothing if not thought-provoking.”

Sam wanted to kiss him. He couldn’t stop thinking about how soft Josh’s lips would feel against his, the noises he would make if Sam had his way. He wanted to throw all caution to the wind and just go for it, but was too scared of the repercussions. But Josh was right there, warm and gentle and much too close, and all Sam wanted was to find out what his lips tasted like. Maybe he could convince Josh, ever the dramatic, that love _wasn’t_ a myth, that Sam could love him fiercely and unconditionally and that he already did. Sam had spent the last decade of his life trying to impress Josh. He had followed him to New Hampshire, across the country on the campaign trail, to the White House. He would follow Josh anywhere he wanted to go. Josh had him wrapped around his finger, even if he didn’t realize it. Maybe Josh was right, that they were wasting their lives trying to impress others, but Sam wouldn’t have chosen to spend his life any other way than making Josh Lyman smile. Sam wanted to kiss him, make him realize that everything he wanted was sitting right there next to him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t force it on him, couldn’t risk throwing away their entire relationship for one stupid, risky kiss.

“Sam.” He crashed back down to earth, the living room and Josh suddenly coming back into focus. “You were zoning out on me. You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just — just thinking.”

“You do that too much.”

“There’s a lot to think about.”

“What are you thinking about right now?”

“Things.”

“Things,” Josh repeated. “Just things?”

“Overthinking things.”

“You’re going to drive yourself insane one day.” He reached an arm out and wrapped it around Sam’s shoulders, pulling him down into his side. “Relax.”

There was no chance of that happening. Sam was now pressed up against Josh’s side, tucked under his arm, their thighs touching. Josh’s presence was almost overwhelming, but Sam still craved more. Josh smelled like cologne and a hint toothpaste and coffee. It filled Sam’s head until he was almost choking on it, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted to cuddle closer into Josh until there wasn’t an atom’s worth of space between their bodies. His arms were pinned at his sides, muscles too tense to move. Josh lazily dragged his fingers over Sam’s shoulder, his attention back on the television. Sam gulped. He tentatively let one arm rest across Josh’s stomach. Josh didn’t react, so he let it stay there. This was normal. Except it wasn’t. This wasn’t a them thing, not like this. It was new, uncharted territory, and Sam was overthinking again, no clue of how to approach the situation.

“Sam, seriously,” Josh murmured.

“Sorry.” He slowly let himself relax, becoming more comfortable with how much of his body was in contact with Josh’s. Josh was still tracing nonsense patterns on Sam’s shoulder, fingers moving up towards his neck and almost touching bare skin, then skipping back down to safety. Sam’s arms were covered with goosebumps, and he just prayed Josh didn’t see. His hand was still on Josh’s stomach, rising and falling as Josh breathed slowly.

“Sam,” he whispered again. Sam looked up at him and was shocked by how close Josh’s face was to his.

“Josh?”

“Hi.”

“Hi,” he breathed, gaze flicking down to Josh’s lips, then back up to his eyes.

“Can I…?”

Sam nodded wordlessly. Josh brought his free hand up to cup Sam’s jaw, thumb brushing lightly over his cheek. It felt like the world was moving in slow motion as he leaned in, and then he was kissing Sam, and his lips were unbelievably soft, and Sam felt like he was skydiving. He let his eyes flutter closed and kissed him back, fist closing around the fabric of Josh’s sweatshirt. Josh slid the hand that had been on Sam’s shoulder up to the back of his neck and let it rest there, slipping his fingers into Sam’s hair. He tasted of coffee, a slight bitterness, but warm and comforting. It was impossibly soft and sweet, and Sam was certain that it wasn’t actually happening; he was dreaming or dead and this was his personal heaven.

Josh pulled back too soon for Sam’s liking, and he chased his lips, reconnecting them for a brief moment. Josh laughed softly. Sam opened his eyes, already grinning when he met Josh’s gaze.

“I really hope that’s what you were thinking about,” Josh whispered.

“Yeah.” His voice didn’t sound quite right. He tried again. “Yeah, it was.” He kissed Josh again, desperate for more. Now that he had experienced it, he was hooked, begging for another like an alcoholic chasing one last drink, trying to keep the taste on his tongue for as long as he could.

“Sam.” Sam hummed in response. “I left last night because I realized I didn’t want to be out with her. I didn’t want to be out with _anyone_. I wanted to be with you, and not just for drinks. I wanted — I wanted _this_.”

The world came crashing down around them. Sam could feel it, could sense the earthquake underneath their bodies that sent the world tilting off of its axis.

His heart was exploding inside his chest. Josh wanted to be with him. Josh had left his date for him. And Sam had snapped at him, chased him away. But Josh had come back. He always came back. He never let Sam stay angry at him for long; he always showed up with apologies and warm hugs and occasionally gifts, and now with soft kisses that washed away any lingering worries from the previous night.

“You’re not straight,” he said stupidly.

Josh laughed. “Do you think I would be doing this if I was?”

“I guess not. But then why — why all the dates? The women?”

“If I’m honest with you, you promise not to make fun of me?”

“I can’t make any promises.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “I’ll take my chances, then. It was because I was trying to get over you.”

“Don’t mess with me.”

“I’m not!”

“God, you’re _stupid_.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, you are.” Sam smiled. “Now can you just shut up and kiss me again?”

A nod, then lips against his once again. Sam shifted himself even closer and sighed into the kiss. Josh’s hands were warm against his skin, a light pressure tethering Sam down to earth. He didn’t want this to ever end. Josh’s lips were just as gentle and soft as Sam had always imagined they would be. He had spent maybe too long thinking about what Josh’s kisses would be like, times he should have been paying attention to information about a bill or a press release or a national crisis and all he could do was stare at Josh’s mouth. It was worth it.

“I should’ve done this a long time ago,” Josh murmured.

“No kidding.”

“Would you have let me? Before?”

Sam shook his head incredulously. “Josh, I would’ve let you do this fifteen minutes after we first met.” If he had known that Josh wanted it too, he would have let him have his way any time, any place.

“Then I’d say we have to make up for lost time.” Josh pulled Sam down on top of him as he laid down on the couch. They shifted awkwardly for a moment as they got situated. Sam slotted his legs between Josh’s and propped himself up on his hands, holding himself a few inches above Josh. Josh smiled at him, and Sam thought he was going to die from happiness. What a way to go out.

He lowered himself down and connected their lips once more. Josh’s hands found their way to his hips and he slipped them underneath Sam’s shirt. Sam shivered. This was new. This was unfamiliar. This was _amazing_. His brain still hadn’t quite caught up with the whole situation. Everything had changed so suddenly. The night before, he had been ready to hate Josh for the rest of his life. He had been ready to attempt (again) to get over Josh, to go on with his life and forget that he had ever had any stupid feelings for the other man. And now he and Josh were making out on his couch. He had to laugh at the circumstances, and Josh pulled back as Sam snorted into the kiss.

Josh raised an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” Sam smiled. “It’s just… different.”

“Bad different?”

“No, good. Extremely good.”

“You have a way with words.”

“So I’ve been told.”

Josh squeezed his hips. “I’m sorry for acting like an idiot last night.”

“You already apologized. Several times.”

“I know. But I still need to.” He sighed. “I was bitter, and I took it out on you. I thought that if I distanced myself, made you not want to spend time with me, maybe I could get over you. I thought if I hooked up with a nice girl, I could somehow magically make myself straight. But it didn’t work. Obviously.” A quiet laugh, and Sam couldn’t keep himself from pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of Josh’s mouth. “I was never gonna get over you. I should’ve realized that before. Every time I had a date, I kept thinking about what it would be like to have you on the other side of the table. And it was terrifying. So I tried to distance myself, but I can’t. I can’t do it. I need you.”

Sam swallowed hard. “Jesus Christ, Josh.”

“Too much?”

“No, no.” He shook his head. Josh wasn’t one to be open about his feelings very often, and Sam wasn’t about to scare him off when he was finally being vulnerable. He knew exactly how Josh felt. He hadn’t gone to such lengths, sure, but he had spent a lot of time trying to get over his feelings. “I felt like an idiot for falling for you. I figured you were never going to feel the same way, and I was just the dumbass who had a crush on his best friend.”

“We are really stupid, huh?”

“Yeah.” He laughed. Josh smiled, and Sam wanted to keep him right there forever. Forget about work and responsibilities and life and anything besides _JoshJoshJoshJoshJosh_. They could stay in their little bubble, hide out in Sam’s apartment and familiarize themselves with each other. Sam already knew Josh; he knew his quirks and pet peeves and tics, could read his mind from just a glance at his face, could recite his life story almost as well as he could his own. But this was new. Josh’s hands on his bare skin, Josh laying underneath him, open and vulnerable and soft and happy, Josh’s lips right there for the taking. Sam figured he should have been terrified. This wasn’t even close to normal for them. He didn’t have a clue about what he was doing or what was going to happen next. But he wasn’t scared. He felt more sure of himself than he had in a very long time. He knew exactly what he wanted, and what he wanted was right below him.

“Sam, I’m losing you again,” Josh whispered. He secured his arms around Sam’s waist, hiking up his shirt more, and pulled Sam down onto him so that their torsos were flush and their faces less than two inches apart. Sam forgot how to breathe for a second.

“Sorry. I was thinking.”

“I thought I told you to stop doing that.”

“There’s a lot to think about,” he said again.

“Such as?”

“How long I can kiss you before one of us has to get up for a bathroom break.”

Josh laughed, soft and clear, and Sam grinned. He dropped his head into the crook of Josh’s neck, nose brushing against the warm skin, and pressed a gentle kiss just above the collar of his shirt. Josh turned and nuzzled his face into Sam’s hair, returning the gesture with a light press of his lips on Sam’s temple.

“I’d sacrifice my bladder if it meant I got to stay like this for longer.”

“You know, I think you think that _sounds_ romantic,” Sam said, voice slightly muffled, “but it’s really kind of gross.” Josh squeezed his waist. His hands moved higher now, covering more of Sam’s back, and it was a strange mix of sensations on his skin: warm where Josh was touching him, comfortable underneath the fabric of his shirt, and a little cold where the air of his apartment hit his bare skin. Sam ran his hand over Josh’s chest, settling over his heart and gently gripping his sweatshirt. Josh kissed his temple again, and Sam hummed against his neck.

“Sam,” he murmured. Sam lifted his head, and Josh leaned in to kiss him again. He let out a tiny, pleased groan and tightened his grasp on Josh’s sweatshirt, pressing his hips down. Josh’s mouth opened against his and he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, swiping his tongue across Josh’s bottom lip.

He hadn’t felt like this in a long time. He couldn’t remember the last time he had wasted time making out with somebody on a couch, much less _wanted_ to. The vast majority of his hookups were quick affairs; there wasn’t much time for kissing and exploration. Sam had thought that that was what he liked. But now, he was changing his mind. He would’ve been perfectly okay with taking as much time as possible to get familiar with kissing Josh, to figure out what Josh liked, to discover what noises he would make with Sam’s hands and lips on him. Sam wanted to devote the next thirty-six hours of his life (he would’ve happily gone longer, but work did unfortunately exist) to studying every inch of Josh.

Josh pulled away, but tightened his arms around Sam’s back. “I’d love for this to continue, but my back is starting to get sore. Can we, ah…?”

“Bedroom?” Sam asked softly. Josh nodded, expression eager. Sam was reluctant to remove himself from Josh, but better things were waiting, so he forced himself up off of the couch. Josh turned off the television and let Sam help him to his feet. His grip was firm as he covered Sam’s hand with his own, lacing their fingers together. It sent tingles up Sam’s arm and down his spine. He shivered, and Josh pulled him in closer and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. He smiled and tugged at Josh’s hand, guiding him down the hallway.

They laid in bed together, both in boxers and t-shirts. At some point, Josh’s sweatshirt had come off, and Sam had it now. It was almost as comfortable as Josh’s weight against his back, Josh’s arms looped around his waist and holding Sam to him, his lips brushing against the back of Sam’s neck. Sam thought that if World War III was happening outside, he wouldn’t even notice. He was wrapped up in Josh, surrounded by him, and nothing else mattered.

“Sam.” Josh’s breath against his skin sent a shiver through his body.

“Yeah.” He rolled over to face Josh, smiling at him across the pillows. Josh dragged his fingers down Sam’s side, slipping underneath his shirt when he reached the end of the fabric. He traced nonsense patterns over Sam’s hip.

“Is it too early to ask what this is gonna be?”

“What what is gonna be?”

“This. Us.”

There was a _us_ now.

“Us,” Sam repeated. The word held a new meaning. It felt foreign on his tongue. It was no longer _Sam And Josh_. They had been Sam And Josh for so long, it was practically engrained into their day to day lives. It wasn’t just Sam, wasn’t just Josh. Where one went, the other followed. That was them. But now, them became _us_. Not Sam and Josh, _SamAndJosh_. Somehow, it felt like it was just another step in their natural progression. New, different, but unavoidable. Josh was entangled in Sam, in his thoughts and his actions and his life. He smiled and whispered it again. “Us.”

Josh nodded, and Sam could see the nervousness behind his eyes, the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. His movements stilled. “I mean, like, are we a thing now?”

“I would hope so. I didn’t spent years pining after you for us _not_ to be a thing when you finally came to your senses and kissed me.”

“So we are a thing.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re a thing.” He smiled. The corner of Josh’s mouth turned upwards, and he resumed dragging his fingers over Sam’s hip, like he was reading braille. Sam reached his hand up and cupped Josh’s jaw, brushing his thumb over his bottom lip. Josh pressed against the contact.

“Can I ask you something?” Sam nodded. “Why did you, uh… why did you leave Lisa?”

It had been a long time since either one of them had mentioned that situation. He was slightly surprised that Josh had brought it up, but pushed back those feelings. 

He sighed. “Me ditching New York and a steady job to work a presidential campaign kind of put some stress on our relationship.” He didn’t mention the fights, the nightly phone calls that became weekly became every other week became rarely if at all. He didn’t mention that he spent more time talking about the campaign and Bartlet and Toby and Josh than he spent listening to Lisa. He didn’t mention the screaming matches over the phone, or being terrified of waking up the person in the hotel room next to him, or when they had a weekend off and he went back to New York to try to fix things and Lisa had ended it the moment he came through the door, handing him a box of his stuff and telling him to get out. He didn’t mention the night that, in a moment of pure, blind, stupid rage, he had snapped and told Lisa that he had found someone else, which was half a lie, because he hadn't started dating someone else, but he had fallen for someone. Hard. He didn’t need to mention that the _someone else_ was currently lying in his bed.

“Do you blame me?”

“Why the hell would I blame you?”

“Because I was the one who convinced you to leave.”

Sam laughed quietly. “Josh, there are a lot of things I’ve done that I regret. Thousands of decisions I wish I had made differently. Joining Bartlet’s campaign isn’t one of them, not by a long shot. I think it was actually one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”

“Coming to get you was definitely the second best decision I’ve ever made.”

“What’s the first?”

Josh grinned. “This.”

He moved in and kissed Sam again, and the world exploded once more.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the song "black and white" by the will trotman band (strongly recommend). anyway i'm gay and so are sam and josh! please leave kudos and comments and follow my twitter @samuelseaborn


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